Stressed

It’s setting in. I’m freaking out. I don’t know what we are going to do. I don’t know how we are going to do this. I don’t think we are going to be ready. I am already feeling like a failure as a parent. The life I wanted for this little girl is not going like I want it to, and she isn’t even here yet.

OK… a quick background:

I lost my job June of 2008. The company that I was working for closed. My hubby was making more than enough, and we had plenty of money in savings, just in case.  I looked for a job… but not really hard, and then about November, depression set in. I didn’t know it then, but when I look back on my life then I probably should have been seeing someone. I probably should have been medicated. It was really, really, bad. I stopped doing everything. I stopped looking for a job, I stopped eating, I stopped cleaning, I stopped getting out of bed, I stopped living. It stayed that way until about June of last year.

We were screwed. We had no money left. We were going to lose our house and our car, and we were seriously considering moving back in with my parents. So my dad talked me into filing bankruptcy, it would save our house and car, and get rid of all the things we couldn’t pay for. He also talked me into getting a job. I hated it. I hated it all, I hated that that was where we were and that for the most part it was my fault. So, I got a job.

Quickly things started looking up, go back and read about it, life started looking like things were going to be ok. And then in August, I found out I was pregnant. Life was good. Things were going to be okay in the world. We started going back to church, we were living our lives they way we knew we should, and the way we needed to, and things were going to be okay.

I don’t feel like that anymore. I feel like we tried hard, we did what we were supposed to do, and we still ended up screwed. In November my hubby got moved around at work, and that meant a pay cut of about 30%. That’s a lot, but I took it in stride. I said we would be ok.

But we aren’t, and I can’t figure out how to fix it. I am so mad, and stressed. This isn’t our fault, we fixed it when we messed up, and we worked our way out of it. Why can’t things just be okay for us for once? I don’t know what is going to happen when she gets here. I’m so upset that we waited for so long to be her parents, and that now I don’t know how we are going to do it. I was going to be able to quit my job in April, and stay home and be a mommy. Now, it doesn’t look like we are even going to be able to get though a month of leave.

I’m just so upset and stressed about it all, I just want things to be okay for my family.

They Said I Was Crazy

I grew up in a big family. Not only am I the oldest of six kids, but I have well over fifty cousins, and I am rapidly gaining more as my cousins have kids. So when I got married at the ripe old age of nineteen, and then quit birth control three months before my twentieth birthday, and insisted that I would have 5-6 kids. Then, if means provided, I would adopt a few more, they told me I was crazy. They told me I was too young, that we were too young. They told me to just wait a few years, to enjoy being married while we could (as if to tell me that we could no longer enjoy it once we had kids). Even now people tell me I am too young.

But can you image if we had waited to start trying? What if we had waited three years to go off the birth control? We would have been 22 & 23. But I have a hard time believing that the story would not have been the same as it is today. That it still would have taken us four years to get our two lines. I would have been almost 27 by the time I saw that first positive test. My dreams of my big family would be lost. As it is now, I may not have the family I dreamed of.

I believe that my dreams of having a big family and the desire to start young are rooted deep in my Faith. From Primary to Young Woman’s we are taught that being a mother is our divine destiny. It’s one of the most sacred callings we will ever be given. As much as that knowledge added to my pain as I struggled though my infertility, it is something I am so glad I was taught. I am so glad that I knew this was my purpose, I know I would have given up at some point if I didn’t believe that so strongly. I wouldn’t have cared as much; I wouldn’t have tried so hard. Even though it hurt so much to think I may never have a children of my own, I am so glad that from a very young age I knew that it was one of the most important reasons I was here on this earth: To be a Mother.

I know that I am not crazy. I knew that I wanted to be a mom, and that I needed to be a mom. And there wasn’t anything that was going to keep me from that dream. Who’s to say that the years I went through all the things I did weren’t all part of what I needed? I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, and that there is no way he could put anyone though infertility just because. It brings very little comfort when people say things like that to you when you are going through it all, but I can say I know that I have learned invaluable lessons from infertility. I pray I never have to go through it again, but if I have to, I hope I can do it with more grace than I did before.

I Don't Understand...

This makes me so sad/mad/angry/frustrated. I can't believe that anyone could actually bring themselves to be okay with it. After years of working so hard to get even just one baby I can't think of any good reason I would ever have an abortion. I don't know the pain of losing a child, and I pray I never do. But I don't know how anyone could lose a child and then chose to lose two more.

I have a close friend who is also going though infertility, who recently put treatments on hold and adopted two boys out of foster care. Her husband also already has a son from a previous relationship. She is now starting up treatments again and giving getting pregnant one last try. Now, of course her ultimate dream come true would to be getting pregnant and having a sweet little girl. But, if she does finally get the chance to get pregnant and have a healthy happy bundle of joy, I can promise you it isn't going to matter if she has a boy or a girl.

I also have a cousin who is not infertile, and is done having kids, they only had girls, 5 of them in fact. I know that after the first two they were really hoping for a boy, and for 4 and 5, but they love those girls, and never for a minute considered killing one of them because they wanted a boy.

I just can’t wrap my mind around it. I don’t understand, and honestly I hope I never do. I think that in order to understand how they got there you have to have been through things that really messed you up. I don’t want to get that messed up, and lose sight of what is really important.

Starting Over

I used to have an infertility blog. I said what I felt and talked about the things that affected me on a daily basis. I blogged as me, my friends and family knew exactly who was saying the things that I said, but over time having them knowing all that I was thinking and feeling caused a problem for them. I stopped writing the things I really wanted to say, and eventually I stopped all together. I still wrote, but I didn't share. I have since found how much I miss sharing. Not because I have a need for people to know my story or listen to what I have to say, but because getting is out of me and into the world, knowing that it could help someone else know they are not alone is worthwhile. I have "met" many people online, and we share stories, stories about our infertility, I even found I lived very close to someone who followed my blog, and we ended up pregnant at the same time. It's been so great to have a "pen pal" who understands every aspect of how I feel.

Not only am I starting over with my blog, it's a type of a new beginning for me. In April (2011), after 4 years of infertility I will give birth to a baby who is going to be the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. So, this blog will not just be about infertility, it’s going to be a lot about life afterwards too. I am going to do this all anonymously at least for now, maybe someday (a day far, far, away) I will come out and share with you who I am, my real name, and all that. 

I am going to go over most of my old blog, and put many of those post here. I am going to back date them so that anyone that would like to can go back and read about how I got here. I also refer back to those things very often.

So, for now, I am going to hide under my assumed alliance "Infertile Mormon Mommy".  Oh and please don't out me if you happen to know me, or figure out who I am before I am comfortable "coming out". :)