It’s setting in. I’m freaking out. I don’t know what we are going to do. I don’t know how we are going to do this. I don’t think we are going to be ready. I am already feeling like a failure as a parent. The life I wanted for this little girl is not going like I want it to, and she isn’t even here yet.
OK… a quick background:
I lost my job June of 2008. The company that I was working for closed. My hubby was making more than enough, and we had plenty of money in savings, just in case. I looked for a job… but not really hard, and then about November, depression set in. I didn’t know it then, but when I look back on my life then I probably should have been seeing someone. I probably should have been medicated. It was really, really, bad. I stopped doing everything. I stopped looking for a job, I stopped eating, I stopped cleaning, I stopped getting out of bed, I stopped living. It stayed that way until about June of last year.
We were screwed. We had no money left. We were going to lose our house and our car, and we were seriously considering moving back in with my parents. So my dad talked me into filing bankruptcy, it would save our house and car, and get rid of all the things we couldn’t pay for. He also talked me into getting a job. I hated it. I hated it all, I hated that that was where we were and that for the most part it was my fault. So, I got a job.
Quickly things started looking up, go back and read about it, life started looking like things were going to be ok. And then in August, I found out I was pregnant. Life was good. Things were going to be okay in the world. We started going back to church, we were living our lives they way we knew we should, and the way we needed to, and things were going to be okay.
I don’t feel like that anymore. I feel like we tried hard, we did what we were supposed to do, and we still ended up screwed. In November my hubby got moved around at work, and that meant a pay cut of about 30%. That’s a lot, but I took it in stride. I said we would be ok.
But we aren’t, and I can’t figure out how to fix it. I am so mad, and stressed. This isn’t our fault, we fixed it when we messed up, and we worked our way out of it. Why can’t things just be okay for us for once? I don’t know what is going to happen when she gets here. I’m so upset that we waited for so long to be her parents, and that now I don’t know how we are going to do it. I was going to be able to quit my job in April, and stay home and be a mommy. Now, it doesn’t look like we are even going to be able to get though a month of leave.
I’m just so upset and stressed about it all, I just want things to be okay for my family.